Hole in my Heart

in the still, dead

air that i breathe,

i still smell the ever

faint, yet lingering

scent of your sweet

love. fairy tale's at

an end, but the

dream remains

entact.

so into a hidden

hole in my heart,

i squeeze our

spilt, mopped-up

magic. it has

turned sour, so

a bitter taste enters

my mouth. i spit

half-melted wax,

dead flowers,

old love letters,

chains, whips,

empty bottles,

pills, wet bedsheets,

a necklace,

a ring,

two hearts abridged,

and most of all,

your name.

I don't really know what to say anymore. I don't even feel like I can put it into words. Alex and I broke up at the end of last summer. And I've never felt more lonely in my entire life. I feel like I'm suspended in the matrix that is college, suspended below the surface of highschool, the bottom of "real-life", and far away from the sides of reality. I feel very sad and very empty. And I've been trying to fill that with writing. I wish I could work more on my story, but I seriously need to read A Mid-Summer Night's Dream about 1000 times. I don't really have the time to do that between schoolwork and now searching for coop jobs. *le sigh* And I came up with this great death/murder concept, but I need to brainstorm A LOT before I work on that. In the mean time, I've been working really hard on this whole "independence" thing. Haha, yeah.

Soo... it's October 18, 2006. I'm 19 years old. I currently live on Huntington Avenue in Boston. I'm a biology major, hoping to do marine biology or something like that in the future. I'm becoming more and more interesting in genetics. I'm looking for coop job to work for between January-June 2007. I'm a sophmore at Northeastern University. I am single. I love my friends more than I thought was possible. I've lost most of the best friends I thought I once had. I learned that I'm not a strong as I was three years ago. Or maybe that I've opened my heart and now been hurt, so that has inspired a big change. Of course, three years ago I was closed up like a tomb and completely unresponsive to everyone. Maybe it's better this way. I have to take care of myself. I'm learning to live on my own. I'm not happy right now, but I have happy moments. I'm trying not to be depressed, but I have a lot of miserable moments lately. I'm throwing everything I have into school. It's going to drive me crazy soon, which is why I'm severely greatful for the next 6 months off to just WORK like a normal person and contribute to society. And at nights, work on my writing. And get wasted on the weekends. I've been doing a lot of getting wasted. And making some stupid decisions. And meeting some pretty great guys. I need a little more time before I put myself "out there" fully. There was that thing with Francis, but that was a vacation. I'm not ready for that like every weekend of my life, hahaha. I'm kinda a coward. And learning to be beautiful. Yes, I actually DO care about my appearance now. I am short, sweet and sassy. And I'm just about 200x more interesting than half the other girls out there. I'm a nerd and a gamer and I can have meaningful conversation that could knock your sox off. I am awesome.

Or so I hear anyway. I don't think I'm ready to believe that. I just am still wondering... How could he let me go? All I ever did was love him. And I'm still in love with him because we haven't had "closure". It's stupid to say, I know, and horribly cliche. But it's how I feel. Unless I can change our relationship to friendship or hatred or something, he will ever be in my mind as "Puppy". So I need to work on that in order to move on. But we aren't talking. Great. *sigh* All I ever did was give him love. I'd forgive him anything and everything. And no matter how much I screwed up, I want to make it right eventually. But I guess it's a little too late for that. So I'm just going to bury everything and hope it doesn't resurface. If after two months, I can't move on, then moving on isn't an option, so I have to accept and keep it inside and find something else.

I'm small and lonely and afraid, on the inside. But not everyone can see that. And thank the gods that they can't, because a broken Shelle is of no use to anyone. Especially herself.

we break apart as if made only of air and sugar.