All good things...

At around 1'oclock in the morning on Saturday the 11th of August, my car caught on fire in a Wendy's parking lot and burned to a crisp. Well, at least the front half of it burned to a crisp. The interior is fine, oddly enough. The blaze was rather big. I'm going to miss that car; the Volvo and I had many adventures. I'm also hoping that I got that whole car-fire thing out of the way early in life. What are the chances another car is going to spontaneously combust on me? Remote, I certaily hope.

I'm not sure what else is going on in my life. The fearful aspect of this whole ordeal I think I'm over (though I'm certainly expecting horrible dreams in the near future due to), but it has certainly been a real downer in the self-esteem department. August has now become one of my least favorite months. Last year I got dumped and lost my boyfriend, this year I lost my car. Woohoo. And I have to move out of my apartment in less than a week. This is maybe the only place I've ever called "home" besides my house; I've lived here for a year and have become really attached. Finals are three and seven days away, respectively. And then I'm getting out of New England for awhile. Savannah for a few days, then Cocoa Beach for a few more. And then I fly back to Boston for fall semester. I'm looking forward toward fall; school will seem normal then and kids will populate Boston once again.

I guess I just wanted to laugh at myself that my prediction of last May was completely true. I did have an emotional meltdown. Though, I should note it was more toward the end of summer than the middle. My 20th birthday was not the cause; August sure is. I can only hope that August will get better from here on out. Six months ago, I was having this exact same type of reaction to life. It was February, after all. I think toward the end the month started to pick up. Here's hoping the same will happen again! Ugh.

I don't know, life is weird sometimes. But at least I'm getting a lot written again. Fortunes of war, I suppose. Until next time...

and by the hundreds
they came
they crept silently across my mind
and only if i were:
listening to the proper tune;
focused in on the right thought;
in perfect harmony with nature;
or holding my own bleeding, broken heart in my hands,
only only if i do these things,
can those hundreds
of dreams, whispers, memories, poems, and truths,
come out to play.

Full-moon minds and sunset hearts; souls made of twilight stars!

I got a tatoo last night!! It's the zodiac symbol for cancer (because I'm the biggest cancer ever, pun intended). It's on my ankle. Only cost me $50 and it's cute. Yay for being spontaneous!! Though this may be only in light of a sudden and drastic identity crisis. The closer it gets to summer, the closer it gets to a total of one year that I have been alone. It hasn't been bad. In fact, I have grown more as a person in the past nine months than I think I did at all freshman year. I feel more social and more beautiful and more likable than I have in years. I'm not sick of myself, I understand myself perfectly. I enjoy being my best company. I have better conversations with myself than I do with a lot of people. I am healthy and active. I have gained weight and am no longer sickly tiny. I enjoy my job and my friends and my life...

But the closer it comes to the end of co-op, the closer my 20th birthday approaches, the closer to an entire year of being single, the more I begin to wonder if I'm in for a deep, dramatic mental breakdown the likes of which I have never known. I am not unhappy by any means. But am I truely happy? I don't really know...

I think I am lonely. But of everyone I've met and been interested in, no one has captured my attention for very long at all. I am way more interested in my friendships than in any little romantic thing that happens. I'm sexually frustrated, but I haven't met anyone that I really want. It's driving me insane. I haven't really been actively looking, I guess. But you'd think I at least would see more than one or two people that I thought were attractive. I dunno.

PS: I miss Dan! He's in China for TWO MONTHS! What do you do when you're best friend isn't around suddenly?? I dunno!

Hole in my Heart

in the still, dead

air that i breathe,

i still smell the ever

faint, yet lingering

scent of your sweet

love. fairy tale's at

an end, but the

dream remains

entact.

so into a hidden

hole in my heart,

i squeeze our

spilt, mopped-up

magic. it has

turned sour, so

a bitter taste enters

my mouth. i spit

half-melted wax,

dead flowers,

old love letters,

chains, whips,

empty bottles,

pills, wet bedsheets,

a necklace,

a ring,

two hearts abridged,

and most of all,

your name.

I don't really know what to say anymore. I don't even feel like I can put it into words. Alex and I broke up at the end of last summer. And I've never felt more lonely in my entire life. I feel like I'm suspended in the matrix that is college, suspended below the surface of highschool, the bottom of "real-life", and far away from the sides of reality. I feel very sad and very empty. And I've been trying to fill that with writing. I wish I could work more on my story, but I seriously need to read A Mid-Summer Night's Dream about 1000 times. I don't really have the time to do that between schoolwork and now searching for coop jobs. *le sigh* And I came up with this great death/murder concept, but I need to brainstorm A LOT before I work on that. In the mean time, I've been working really hard on this whole "independence" thing. Haha, yeah.

Soo... it's October 18, 2006. I'm 19 years old. I currently live on Huntington Avenue in Boston. I'm a biology major, hoping to do marine biology or something like that in the future. I'm becoming more and more interesting in genetics. I'm looking for coop job to work for between January-June 2007. I'm a sophmore at Northeastern University. I am single. I love my friends more than I thought was possible. I've lost most of the best friends I thought I once had. I learned that I'm not a strong as I was three years ago. Or maybe that I've opened my heart and now been hurt, so that has inspired a big change. Of course, three years ago I was closed up like a tomb and completely unresponsive to everyone. Maybe it's better this way. I have to take care of myself. I'm learning to live on my own. I'm not happy right now, but I have happy moments. I'm trying not to be depressed, but I have a lot of miserable moments lately. I'm throwing everything I have into school. It's going to drive me crazy soon, which is why I'm severely greatful for the next 6 months off to just WORK like a normal person and contribute to society. And at nights, work on my writing. And get wasted on the weekends. I've been doing a lot of getting wasted. And making some stupid decisions. And meeting some pretty great guys. I need a little more time before I put myself "out there" fully. There was that thing with Francis, but that was a vacation. I'm not ready for that like every weekend of my life, hahaha. I'm kinda a coward. And learning to be beautiful. Yes, I actually DO care about my appearance now. I am short, sweet and sassy. And I'm just about 200x more interesting than half the other girls out there. I'm a nerd and a gamer and I can have meaningful conversation that could knock your sox off. I am awesome.

Or so I hear anyway. I don't think I'm ready to believe that. I just am still wondering... How could he let me go? All I ever did was love him. And I'm still in love with him because we haven't had "closure". It's stupid to say, I know, and horribly cliche. But it's how I feel. Unless I can change our relationship to friendship or hatred or something, he will ever be in my mind as "Puppy". So I need to work on that in order to move on. But we aren't talking. Great. *sigh* All I ever did was give him love. I'd forgive him anything and everything. And no matter how much I screwed up, I want to make it right eventually. But I guess it's a little too late for that. So I'm just going to bury everything and hope it doesn't resurface. If after two months, I can't move on, then moving on isn't an option, so I have to accept and keep it inside and find something else.

I'm small and lonely and afraid, on the inside. But not everyone can see that. And thank the gods that they can't, because a broken Shelle is of no use to anyone. Especially herself.

we break apart as if made only of air and sugar.

And there was only rain...

Um. Yeah. It's 2006. I'm 18 years old. I've graduated from highschool. I'm in my second semester of college as a freshman, my major is biology, at Northeastern University in Boston. I'm still dating Alex. He's sleeping in my dorm bed right there to my left! There have been some major changes since last time. Oh, to tell you that tale...

Sorry, it's been a while, but I'll be back.

Frost Titans return to their snowy realm, as the Fire Demons make a come back to the North... Things are changing.

Well, so soooooooomeone totally skipped making a March post. My apologies. March wasn't exactly a happy month, so ya know, I didn't really feel like writing anything down. Makes sense. But now it is April and the weather is being nice and warm and I have to make a college decision that will affect the rest of my life...

I didn't get into Tufts.
Nor did I get into Holy Cross. Well, I got wait-listed, actually, but was far too lazy to make the effort to stay on the list. Blah.
I'm into BU, Northeastern, UCONN, and URI.
My parents have forbid me to go to URI because (there are a number of reasons): Alex goes there, I'm apparently too good for URI, and they want me "out of the state," which means as far as possible.
I don't really want to go to UCONN. Storrs is an desolate, back-water, hick region of Connecticut. I think I'll pass.
I don't really want to go to Boston Univ. either because Ali is there and I'm absolutely sick of following Ali around to schools and activities and doing the same thing as my sister.
So that leaves one option: Northeastern.

It's actually a better choice than I had thought originally. First of all, my cousin went there. She loved it. So I have this memory of driving by the campus once while we were in Boston and I was just like "wow this looks like a really industrial schools, but i'll prolly end up going here or something...". I dunno. I was like 12 or 13 maybe? I don't really remember. It's a weird memory. I went to their Welcome Day yesterday. It was actually a lot of fun and I was impressed with the Marine Sciences program. *squee* I don't know if I'll still do that, but if I do it'd be GREAT to go to Tahiti for a year and do research and investigation stuff... *dreams* Anyway... I'll deal with that when it comes up.

So that's basically it. I am going to visit UCONN next Saturday, but basically I've made up my mind I'm going to Northeastern. I've got some other people I know coming with me, though, so it'll be good. I actually think Vanessa Cherenzia is going there. *insert hilarious anime face here* Wouldn't it be funny as HELL if I went to school with her for 16 years straight? It makes me giggle. A lot.

So, that's my story. March was a handfull. I'll give you a basic idea of what happened: Umm... most of February I got lied to and stuff. You read that last post. That was me trying to tell how I really felt. But some stuff happened and I found out about it and Alex and I broke up for, like, a week. But now we're back together. A little rocky because I'm strange and insecure and a bit psycho sometimes. But I do love him. A lot. That's my other story.

I graduate in two months and three days. Scary shit, man. Scary shit. And it's just beginning to set in. Oh, and I have the WORST senioritis imaginable. Hehe...

Fin.

You taste so sweet, for all that bitterness you keep inside...

"Have I told you, that lately, when I look at you, I see two people?

I look and at first, I see a man. That is what you are, what you have become. A man. It's diffucult to understand. I still consider myself a child. In most ways, innocent, fresh and wild. With more than my fair share of blame, that I put on myself. But, you, in contrast, so tall, so dark, and yet still wild. Mysterious and deceptive, but the greatest form of protection I have ever known. When I think about it, you are my strength. My pillar. The thing that stands between myself and loneliness. I've put so much into you, and you just keep growing. You are beautiful, handsome, delicate and resigned. I think too much on your strength. Muscles, I've never said, are like what holds me up in water well-over my head. Muscles that pull me up when I've slipped. Muscles that lower me down slowly when I get afraid of the heights. Muscles that break apart my fears and beat up all my tears and give me some reason to feel safe at night. Then there is your wicked tongue, which is, all at once, a bath, a bible, a meal and a judge. Your tongue, which masks all your intelligence. That which you use to silence all those who speak against me, that sings to me, that captures me in its prose and moves me in its poetry, that decrees the rise and setting of the sun, that licks me and fills me and makes us as one. Then, I suppose, next is your eyes. Those deep pools of chocolate I could swim in for hours, those bottomless cups of coffee that have magical powers. The bold, endless stare that keeps me entranced. They watch me through tears, through laughter, through dance. They watch me through months of both Heaven and Hell, like an angel to see that I'm safe, sound, and well. I suppose your eyes are more like windows, which let me see right into you, as you see into me. I can see their pain, years after years of no one to blame. I see their lack of remorse or their hatred that they hide. I think you have more fear than even you know, inside. And, of course, there are your hands. They still me and quiet me and are soft and gentle. They can hurt with anger or help with pride, and with your hands you know how to guide. But wait, there's just one thing left, your smooth, brown skin... which includes all your battle scars from times long ago. And includes all the things you don't want to, but have to show. It includes your life as it appears on the outside. And your soft, subtle lips, which give me a kiss (or more), and show me at bit of what Heaven is like, a beautiful helping of eternal bliss...

But, inside, there's another person. Who I see when I watch you sleep or see you weep. There is a child. And innocent, wild, curious child. You want to find freedom with all your heart. You want to escape, but don't know how to start. This child, that is tougher than hide, is ready to take on the truth and he won't ever fall, but if he does he's taking the whole-world-wide with him, down, down, down. Scruffy and daring, no respect for the old. He doesn't feel heat or pain or cold. He doesn't let go and he doesn't give in. He doesn't know right from wrong, deed from sin, left from right, or far from short. He doesn't give a damn, unless it's a swear. He doesn't know what to do with his hair. Rarely smiles, unless it's for mischief. Rarely cries, unless there's something to be gained. Doesn't know the rules, and even if he did, would never follow them. Justifies the means by the ends, had tons of others he knows barely as friends. Likes everyone, but loves nobody in particular. Likes what he likes, and it isn't you. But knows all your secrets, and a few of his own, which he could keep until the end of time, or until someone else comes along in line. An air of city, and air of street, and air of the farm, and knows how to hold the beat. He speaks very little, but can talk up a storm. He always fits in, but doesn't go with the norm. He's beautiful and brooding and missing someone dearly. He's so excited, but so laid-back, and mark-my-words, he doesn't care, if he's from both sides of the track. And as he grows older, his hatred and love, will slowly burn out and fade into dust. It's the way of things, the way of time, and to put it simply, if it must, it must.

Yes, that is who I see when I look at you. The man you are and the child inside. Both proud and strong, both dark and wild, with a thousand secrets kept locked far away, which I will know all of come someday."

-randomly, love me.

accordingly, I just want you to know...
that I love you very much.

How long can I hold back what I don't even know is there?

Happy 2005. I'm serious: Welcome to the New Year! Today is the 14th. In exactly one month, it will be Valentine's Day. I will update again around then. For now?

What is the news? I'm not really sure. I'm only updating on here because LJ is down. I know, I'm a traitor. These things happen. You'd think I would've solved my problems right when they happened, but nooooooooooo... the self-destruction continues. I have to deal with it all over again. No one gets it... the sickening feeling, like my stomach is being crushed and my heart is breaking and it NEVER goes away. Or it goes away for a few moments and I have that thought again and everything goes to Hell. Almost like trying to climb out of a well -- always slipping down the stone wall. Blargh.

I can't deal with shit right now. I'm PMSing (lovely to update now, don't you think?), I'm horny, I miss my baby but I'm mad at him, and I HATE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL MORE THAN I EVER HAVE RIGHT NOW! HATE IT! And I don't hate most things. But for FUCK'S SAKE! What is it? I don't get the appeal! I don't understand any of it and it hurts people and I hate it. And it takes them away. Fucking brilliant invention! Lets burn things and make things grow mold and get old and shit and then put them into our bodies for the helluva it! Who cares what it does? Who cares that I've been trying for a week to get whatever-the-hell is wrong with you out of you, even if you WON'T talk to me and you blow me off for getting drunk because I'm sure that's solving your problem SO MUCH BETTER than I could've done if you'd just let me in the first fucking place!

And I'm SICK AND TIRED of school. I just wanna get INTO college and just forget about everything. Instead, I've got all this shit to do. Like 3 papers and a project and MIDTERMS the week after next, plus a fucking mock trial I said I'd do, despite the fact that I'm sick of it and want to quit more than anything right now.

And my nightmares are still fucking there. I wake up every fucking night. What is my fucking problem!??!!?!?!?!

WHY CAN'T I SLEEP A WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH
WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT YOU
AND ALL THE FEARS I KEEP INSIDE
WHY CAN'T I JUST LEARN TO HIDE
THEM JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
I'LL NEVER LEARN TO LOSE MYSELF
INSIDE A BOTTLE AND A PLANT
I'M DONE THIS STUPID, FUCKING RANT!

Wow, that was more angsty than I had hoped for. YAY I'M PISSY! ^_^ GREAT! FUCKING BRILLIANT!

In that case: welcome to 2005.
I love Alex, despite his stupidness.
I hate my friends, despite my caring for them.
And I hate myself more than usual tonight. And that's saying something. Goodnight... see you next month.