The whipers in the dark begin to lose their wind...
I completely missed all of September. There's something to be said for that, after all, I dislike September almost as much as I dislike February. And that's quite a lot, I assure you. Still, some good things happened in September, as did some bad things. School started. I am well into my second month, now. It is October. I love October, my favorite month of the year, although I can not say it's beginning exactly the way I want it to. Applying to college is my biggest task ahead, as is surviving another year of full IB. Seriously, why am I crazy enough to attempt these sorts of things? I felt I needed to resurect my blog, because honesly, I have too many friends on LJ and it's just annoying to have them read everything of mine. I can not be honest there. This, well, no one reads. Thank god.
So I'm gonna go and profess my love of Alex a bit more. Hah, it's hard to described... yesterday was our "official" 5-month anniversary. I asked him out on May 5th. Yesterday was October 5th. Brilliant. Not that we have any big to-do about it. Seriously, our official anniversay? Who really cares. I do, I guess. I like dates. I remember a lot of dates. Like... Ayn Rand shares the same birthday as my uncle and that's also Groundhog Day and also the day my grandmother died. And I just think about those sorts of things. As you all know, Valentine's Day is our other anniversary, yes, the day I gave into my rediculously strong attraction to him. I was actually discussing that with Jack today after school. He and Sarah were asking for my help. I told them what I wanted to -- screw what everyone else says, they seriously deserve to be happy. It's ashame they wound up in the same situation they were in last year, but I guess this just means that it's a situation worth repeating. So, I gave Jack's advice back to him. He was the one who advised me to ignore what everyone thought and go after Alex. Lovely to know he thought I had a chance. Make myself happy. It's something I don't know how to do, really, even though I act like I can. So I tell others to. Either way, that resulted in Alex and I...
And, well, I love him. I don't know why, after all, no one can really figure out how I wound up with his lovely Cuban self. Seriously, who saw that coming? And I think so myself -- does it REALLY matter? I love him. And that's great! ^_^ So now I devote myself to making him happy, which he rarely is, just because he deals with a lot of shit. And after this summer, I don't blame him for being upset about everything. I was actually talking to Jess Barrow today in bio about when he broke his leg. Scariest night of my life! It's odd to walk through the courtyard at the mill now without remembering that night... those visions... I don't even begin to imagine what he must remember, then again, he's stronger than I am. Either way, I seriously want to do all I can for him...
I probably mentioned this in my other journal, the one no one reads, but I figure I should re-iterate it here, some place where people might actually read and be impressed. I can not wait for the Holidays. It's October now. Halloween will come very soon, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. Fate permitting, I want to show Alex a Christmas Devault-style. My sister and I have an interesting way of celebrating Christmas. We have a magic all our own, involving the toy soldier blanket, X'Files, Frank Sinatra, and Mac-the-Knife. Seriously, it doesn't get much better than this. I was actually telling Alex that I really wanted him to enjoy his Christmas vacation, which he never has, by showing him how we celebrate it. And he made some cynical comment about the joy of all mankind or something like that and I just laughed at him... "No, no," I said, "The truth that Christmas is the lonliest night of the year!" Alas, few people grasp that particular concept, considering few people share the same taste in science fiction as I do, but c'est la vie. That's my goal this Christmas, to teach him the magic that I feel during that time of year.
Of course, then I have to think about my own self, which I rarely do. Am I prepared to do that? I don't know where I stated it, but some time ago (last year I believe), I compared my love of autumn to that of the year before. The year before, I noticed every leaf and every color and every decoration. I loved the weather and thought the sky couldn't be more blue or more stormy or more perfect. Seriously, then the next year... I lost something. I don't know what is was, but everything seemed dull. Everything was alive, yes, but it had lost some magic. I think the same thing applied to the spirit of things over the course of that year. I don't know why. I hope that doesn't happen this year. What happened to my care-free attitude? What happened to my love of life? I don't understand when I became such an uncomfortable, depressing person. It's really not nice.
And where has my innocence gone? Senior year of highschool... and I'm jaded and bored and angry with everything. I can't be happy, can I? No. But when I do, hopefully, I'll be able to experience something wonderful. *sigh* What am I doing, right now?? Nothing good, that's for sure. I'm supposed to be reading The Fountainhead, which is what I picked to read for this month's independant reading. I'm about 50 pages in. It's really good, so far, but I don't know when I'll have time to read 700 pages. >.< Too long. Ayn Rand is a good author, though, I am jealous.
I lost my materpiece, my one piece of work where I used symbolizm to the ultimate advantage and truely expressed a philosophy for living, in which everyone was the generic "Harold" who couldn't really decide what to do with the golden sphere he was given. Harold bounces his ball. Harold throws his ball in the air. Harold rolls his ball on the ground. Seriously, it was good. And it's gone. And I can't re-write it. Lost something when it got deleted. Will I ever write a novel? Will I ever get published? *sigh* I don't know. I hope so. I need to improve. I read all these great authors and marvel at them, but I don't know how to begin to recreate what they do. And I don't want to recreate it, but I can't find my own inspiration or my own style that I really like. I don't know. The Fountainhead is a lot different from Anthem. It reminds me a lot of the section we just finished in TOK. It has a lot to do with art and personal interpretation art, etc. Very good.
My hand is shaking, it hasn't really typed this much in a long time. I think I should stop rambling and go read. Or go call Alex. One or the other, it doesn't much matter to me. Both are good. Anything but study for the two half-tests I have tomorrow. No, not quizzes, but half-tests, because both the calculus and economics test are split over today and tomorrow. Evil classes, though. Along with french, the most evil. I really don't mind bio. I mind Ms. Taylor, but not bio. And English is English. And TOK is just painful after writing a lot. And Gym is always fun. I think that's it. I can't breath. Ugh. Off to do more interesting things than live here. Adieu!
So I'm gonna go and profess my love of Alex a bit more. Hah, it's hard to described... yesterday was our "official" 5-month anniversary. I asked him out on May 5th. Yesterday was October 5th. Brilliant. Not that we have any big to-do about it. Seriously, our official anniversay? Who really cares. I do, I guess. I like dates. I remember a lot of dates. Like... Ayn Rand shares the same birthday as my uncle and that's also Groundhog Day and also the day my grandmother died. And I just think about those sorts of things. As you all know, Valentine's Day is our other anniversary, yes, the day I gave into my rediculously strong attraction to him. I was actually discussing that with Jack today after school. He and Sarah were asking for my help. I told them what I wanted to -- screw what everyone else says, they seriously deserve to be happy. It's ashame they wound up in the same situation they were in last year, but I guess this just means that it's a situation worth repeating. So, I gave Jack's advice back to him. He was the one who advised me to ignore what everyone thought and go after Alex. Lovely to know he thought I had a chance. Make myself happy. It's something I don't know how to do, really, even though I act like I can. So I tell others to. Either way, that resulted in Alex and I...
And, well, I love him. I don't know why, after all, no one can really figure out how I wound up with his lovely Cuban self. Seriously, who saw that coming? And I think so myself -- does it REALLY matter? I love him. And that's great! ^_^ So now I devote myself to making him happy, which he rarely is, just because he deals with a lot of shit. And after this summer, I don't blame him for being upset about everything. I was actually talking to Jess Barrow today in bio about when he broke his leg. Scariest night of my life! It's odd to walk through the courtyard at the mill now without remembering that night... those visions... I don't even begin to imagine what he must remember, then again, he's stronger than I am. Either way, I seriously want to do all I can for him...
I probably mentioned this in my other journal, the one no one reads, but I figure I should re-iterate it here, some place where people might actually read and be impressed. I can not wait for the Holidays. It's October now. Halloween will come very soon, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. Fate permitting, I want to show Alex a Christmas Devault-style. My sister and I have an interesting way of celebrating Christmas. We have a magic all our own, involving the toy soldier blanket, X'Files, Frank Sinatra, and Mac-the-Knife. Seriously, it doesn't get much better than this. I was actually telling Alex that I really wanted him to enjoy his Christmas vacation, which he never has, by showing him how we celebrate it. And he made some cynical comment about the joy of all mankind or something like that and I just laughed at him... "No, no," I said, "The truth that Christmas is the lonliest night of the year!" Alas, few people grasp that particular concept, considering few people share the same taste in science fiction as I do, but c'est la vie. That's my goal this Christmas, to teach him the magic that I feel during that time of year.
Of course, then I have to think about my own self, which I rarely do. Am I prepared to do that? I don't know where I stated it, but some time ago (last year I believe), I compared my love of autumn to that of the year before. The year before, I noticed every leaf and every color and every decoration. I loved the weather and thought the sky couldn't be more blue or more stormy or more perfect. Seriously, then the next year... I lost something. I don't know what is was, but everything seemed dull. Everything was alive, yes, but it had lost some magic. I think the same thing applied to the spirit of things over the course of that year. I don't know why. I hope that doesn't happen this year. What happened to my care-free attitude? What happened to my love of life? I don't understand when I became such an uncomfortable, depressing person. It's really not nice.
And where has my innocence gone? Senior year of highschool... and I'm jaded and bored and angry with everything. I can't be happy, can I? No. But when I do, hopefully, I'll be able to experience something wonderful. *sigh* What am I doing, right now?? Nothing good, that's for sure. I'm supposed to be reading The Fountainhead, which is what I picked to read for this month's independant reading. I'm about 50 pages in. It's really good, so far, but I don't know when I'll have time to read 700 pages. >.< Too long. Ayn Rand is a good author, though, I am jealous.
I lost my materpiece, my one piece of work where I used symbolizm to the ultimate advantage and truely expressed a philosophy for living, in which everyone was the generic "Harold" who couldn't really decide what to do with the golden sphere he was given. Harold bounces his ball. Harold throws his ball in the air. Harold rolls his ball on the ground. Seriously, it was good. And it's gone. And I can't re-write it. Lost something when it got deleted. Will I ever write a novel? Will I ever get published? *sigh* I don't know. I hope so. I need to improve. I read all these great authors and marvel at them, but I don't know how to begin to recreate what they do. And I don't want to recreate it, but I can't find my own inspiration or my own style that I really like. I don't know. The Fountainhead is a lot different from Anthem. It reminds me a lot of the section we just finished in TOK. It has a lot to do with art and personal interpretation art, etc. Very good.
My hand is shaking, it hasn't really typed this much in a long time. I think I should stop rambling and go read. Or go call Alex. One or the other, it doesn't much matter to me. Both are good. Anything but study for the two half-tests I have tomorrow. No, not quizzes, but half-tests, because both the calculus and economics test are split over today and tomorrow. Evil classes, though. Along with french, the most evil. I really don't mind bio. I mind Ms. Taylor, but not bio. And English is English. And TOK is just painful after writing a lot. And Gym is always fun. I think that's it. I can't breath. Ugh. Off to do more interesting things than live here. Adieu!
