How long can I hold back what I don't even know is there?
Happy 2005. I'm serious: Welcome to the New Year! Today is the 14th. In exactly one month, it will be Valentine's Day. I will update again around then. For now?
What is the news? I'm not really sure. I'm only updating on here because LJ is down. I know, I'm a traitor. These things happen. You'd think I would've solved my problems right when they happened, but nooooooooooo... the self-destruction continues. I have to deal with it all over again. No one gets it... the sickening feeling, like my stomach is being crushed and my heart is breaking and it NEVER goes away. Or it goes away for a few moments and I have that thought again and everything goes to Hell. Almost like trying to climb out of a well -- always slipping down the stone wall. Blargh.
I can't deal with shit right now. I'm PMSing (lovely to update now, don't you think?), I'm horny, I miss my baby but I'm mad at him, and I HATE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL MORE THAN I EVER HAVE RIGHT NOW! HATE IT! And I don't hate most things. But for FUCK'S SAKE! What is it? I don't get the appeal! I don't understand any of it and it hurts people and I hate it. And it takes them away. Fucking brilliant invention! Lets burn things and make things grow mold and get old and shit and then put them into our bodies for the helluva it! Who cares what it does? Who cares that I've been trying for a week to get whatever-the-hell is wrong with you out of you, even if you WON'T talk to me and you blow me off for getting drunk because I'm sure that's solving your problem SO MUCH BETTER than I could've done if you'd just let me in the first fucking place!
And I'm SICK AND TIRED of school. I just wanna get INTO college and just forget about everything. Instead, I've got all this shit to do. Like 3 papers and a project and MIDTERMS the week after next, plus a fucking mock trial I said I'd do, despite the fact that I'm sick of it and want to quit more than anything right now.
And my nightmares are still fucking there. I wake up every fucking night. What is my fucking problem!??!!?!?!?!
WHY CAN'T I SLEEP A WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH
WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT YOU
AND ALL THE FEARS I KEEP INSIDE
WHY CAN'T I JUST LEARN TO HIDE
THEM JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
I'LL NEVER LEARN TO LOSE MYSELF
INSIDE A BOTTLE AND A PLANT
I'M DONE THIS STUPID, FUCKING RANT!
Wow, that was more angsty than I had hoped for. YAY I'M PISSY! ^_^ GREAT! FUCKING BRILLIANT!
In that case: welcome to 2005.
I love Alex, despite his stupidness.
I hate my friends, despite my caring for them.
And I hate myself more than usual tonight. And that's saying something. Goodnight... see you next month.
What is the news? I'm not really sure. I'm only updating on here because LJ is down. I know, I'm a traitor. These things happen. You'd think I would've solved my problems right when they happened, but nooooooooooo... the self-destruction continues. I have to deal with it all over again. No one gets it... the sickening feeling, like my stomach is being crushed and my heart is breaking and it NEVER goes away. Or it goes away for a few moments and I have that thought again and everything goes to Hell. Almost like trying to climb out of a well -- always slipping down the stone wall. Blargh.
I can't deal with shit right now. I'm PMSing (lovely to update now, don't you think?), I'm horny, I miss my baby but I'm mad at him, and I HATE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL MORE THAN I EVER HAVE RIGHT NOW! HATE IT! And I don't hate most things. But for FUCK'S SAKE! What is it? I don't get the appeal! I don't understand any of it and it hurts people and I hate it. And it takes them away. Fucking brilliant invention! Lets burn things and make things grow mold and get old and shit and then put them into our bodies for the helluva it! Who cares what it does? Who cares that I've been trying for a week to get whatever-the-hell is wrong with you out of you, even if you WON'T talk to me and you blow me off for getting drunk because I'm sure that's solving your problem SO MUCH BETTER than I could've done if you'd just let me in the first fucking place!
And I'm SICK AND TIRED of school. I just wanna get INTO college and just forget about everything. Instead, I've got all this shit to do. Like 3 papers and a project and MIDTERMS the week after next, plus a fucking mock trial I said I'd do, despite the fact that I'm sick of it and want to quit more than anything right now.
And my nightmares are still fucking there. I wake up every fucking night. What is my fucking problem!??!!?!?!?!
WHY CAN'T I SLEEP A WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH
WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT YOU
AND ALL THE FEARS I KEEP INSIDE
WHY CAN'T I JUST LEARN TO HIDE
THEM JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
I'LL NEVER LEARN TO LOSE MYSELF
INSIDE A BOTTLE AND A PLANT
I'M DONE THIS STUPID, FUCKING RANT!
Wow, that was more angsty than I had hoped for. YAY I'M PISSY! ^_^ GREAT! FUCKING BRILLIANT!
In that case: welcome to 2005.
I love Alex, despite his stupidness.
I hate my friends, despite my caring for them.
And I hate myself more than usual tonight. And that's saying something. Goodnight... see you next month.
